529 days without Reason

     I lost my words,  it’s not that I’ve had nothing to say or nothing worth writing just that I’ve felt so lost and broken down and voiceless.  I’ve spent this whole morning laying in bed with tears rolling down my face.  A steady stream of missing her, longing for her wishing I could reach into the past and save her life.  I can’t so I lay here cheeks wet, eyes red, lost. Nightmares still haunt my dreams CPR on babies that manage to wake up,  CPR couldn’t same my baby trust me I tried and I’m haunted by my failure. I’m haunted by the fact that I haven’t had the chance to prove my worth as a mother. Haunted by my empty home and my empty arms.
     I’m trying so hard to be okay, to fill the broken parts of my heart with busyness with goals with aspirations but no matter what I do I’ll still be here empty without Reason. I feel lost and desperate for the sun to hit my face and joy to fill my heart. Joy isn’t filing my heart, in fact the abyss left there when my baby girl took her last breath feels impossibly large. I’m still here, that’s my mantra. My super power is survival I just wish it had been hers. It’s a bad day but I’ll get through it just like I’ve gotten through the 529 days before this one. One foot in front of the other. One more heartbreaking day away from her.
     I’m sorry if you read this expecting to see that my life had improved substantially, it hasn’t.  We’re still living childless in a camper,  we’re still barely getting by but I’m going back to school in a month and maybe we’ll start doing better then. 

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3 thoughts on “529 days without Reason

  1. The loss of a baby is unlike any experience, to put it lightly…and there is nothing light about this new life we have. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you are doing the best you can. I hope school has provided something new for your heart and mind. Bless all us loss-mothers xoxo

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