Secondary lossess… I have so many it might be hard to talk about all of them. Before we lost Reason, my husband and I were far from well off but with his job and me breastfeeding and cloth diapering and hand me downs we had a pretty great thing going. Life was not easy but every moment felt worth living. We had a great many friends, plenty of family close to us, enough money to make it through the month and real roof over our head.
Now we have each other and Frank’s parents and not enough money to even get out of the tiny camper we still live in. We have very little in the way of friends other than the ones we’re still in touch with in Kansas. Our lives went from amazing to far from it.
After Reason died, we thought it was too hard living where we lost her. Quite honestly, we started making some really bad choices that would have put us in a worse place than we are now if not in the ground. So, we made the most reasonable choice at the time and moved to Florida in April so Frank could work with his dad at the family business. I would have never imagined a year ago that this would be what my life would become. I lost so many friends that I thought would be there for me until the end of time, friends I had since middle school.
Frank lost a great job with great health insurance, we both lost our minds. I lost my faith in the world and in myself. I lost my determination, my spark, my innocence. I lost the biggest part of my heart and soul. Somedays I have trouble finding my will to live. You would think that losing our child would be enough but no, you can always lose more. I lost the woman I found the day I became a mother, I lost the best version of me and I’ll never get her back. I lost my ability to feel happy for other people’s good fortune. Why should anyone else have good when all I have is bad what did they do to deserve happiness that I have not done?
Ever since we got to Florida, Frank has been trying to find a job with more steady pay check so we can find a house and grow our family. So maybe, I could take some college classes and finish two more years of schooling to get my bachelor’s degree. We’ve been here nearly 7 months and we’re no closer than when we got here to having anything. When you lose a child sometimes everything else goes too.
I lost my “happy family”.
We lost our care-free selves.