Capture Your Grief wants me to talk about my regrets and triggers. I have a lot of triggers. My regrets about my grief are mostly the way I behaved and the things I said in the early months after my daughter died, honestly thought I was so raw in those early days I don’t think the things I said should have been held against me like they were and cost me the friendships that they did. I regret the number of secondary losses we’ve had but that’s a post for another day.
Like I said, I have a lot of triggers, Staying Alive by The Bee Gees, is a major ones because that’s the song I used to preform cpr on Reason. I learned that trick in my birthing class, obviously it didn’t work. The entire fall season is a trigger, I wish I could sleep from October 1st till January. Pregnant woman and intact families can be hard to handle. Just being asked if I’m dressing up for Halloween is hard because Halloween was once my favorite holiday and it was the only one I was able to celebrate with my daughter.
Some triggers just come out of no where like a catchy song that catches my heart off guard because I danced with Reason to it. Sometimes, I’m triggered by nothing in particular; nothing beyond thinking about my daughter being gone or me still having the blocks I planned on giving her for her first Christmas or the realization that after a year all of her clothes have lost the smell of her. Family things, like going to the zoo, or aquariums and remembering that our daughter will never get to experience any of it with us.
What would Reason have thought of the sharks?
How much different would our life be?