Capture Your Grief 2015- Day 10. Words

      Words. Words. Words. Today,  Cqpture Your Grief, wants us to share words. I love words,  clearly I write a lot of them.  Words are so powerful,  they can heal and they can hurt.  They can break you down or build you up.  We use words to connect and to distance ourselves. I use words to share my story to help others and myself.  I’d be lost without them.  My life ambition is to be a writer but I guess I’m not that ambitious since this is the only thing I really write. I used to write all the time before life caught up with me and I no longer felt my dreams were worth pursuing.  I didn’t feel like my words held enough power to truly make a difference.  I don’t think I’ve ever written anything that hasn’t been written before… My story is my own but there are so many who share one similar and when I read their words mine seem insufficient. It doesn’t prevent me from writing, obviously, but I know my words won’t change the world. 
        I write for my daughter mostly and I miss taking a pen to paper. After, Reason died I wrote to her,  about her,  so I wouldn’t forget a single thing I love. I wrote 5 pages front to back on paper, I re-read those words from time to time, I know I won’t forget her ever but sometimes I need to see those words and be reminded of the little things, like the way she would wake me up in the mornings,  and the way I would pick her diapers based on that mornings outfit. How much she loved taking baths with me and how much she hated getting out, if it was up to Reason I would never get a chance to shave or wash my own hair. I miss the way she smelled with her lavender baby wash. How she would cry if I didn’t take her into the bathroom with me when I had to go potty. I could write a million words about my daughter.  Honestly,  every other subject feels pointless.
    The words I wrote in high school about heartbreak seem pathetic. I never knew heartbreak until I lost my daughter. I still feel like nothing mattered before her and little matters now, beyond keeping her memory alive. She’s been gone 11 months but sometimes the pain is just as raw as the day we woke to her gone.  I know I’ve begun rambling which is another reason my words will never be powerful enough to change anything; I can’t focus enough to not go off on a tangent.  Today,  these are my words. I miss you duck,  my life,  my love.  </3



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