Today for the Capture Your Grief project the task is to tell about the person I’m doing this for, it’s my daughter, Reason Rayne Hannum. The light and joy of my life of The reason I woke up with a smile every morning. I named her years before I met her daddy. She was the only thing I ever wanted out of this life. She was the perfect combination on her father and I. I could go on for hours talking about how amazing she is and how endlessly beautiful, how big her personality was and how I fell deeper in love with her everyday.
She is perfection and in her I found absolution. I found healing and the ability to forgive myself for my mistakes. I found the best version of me, as a mother I found meaning, for the first time in my life I was able to stand up for myself and not feel guilty for it. I lost all of that in an instant. Everything I found in her vanished the morning of November 11th.
My world has shattered without her but with her it was perfect. Her smile was infectious. Her smell was intoxicating. The connection we had was beyond anything that I could have imagined. Its so hard to have known what it is to be a mother and to have lost it and have to live without it. I hate having to live without her. What I wouldn’t give to not be able to sleep my day away because she would have woken me up early. I wouldn’t mind not being able to go out at all.
I wish I could have my time as a mommy back instead of making friends at all. I can live without friends I still don’t feel like I’m living without Reason. She was such a happy baby and I wish I could know what she would have been like as a toddler. I wish I could know her words. I wish I could see her walk and grow and see her hair long and beautiful. I wish my dreams of a family hasn’t been so shattered. I wish she could be a big sister. I wish she could have gotten a chance to learn to love to read. I wish I could have taught her everything.