I haven’t written a blog post in over a month. It’s not that I have had to say or that nothing has been going on or I haven’t had time to it’s that so much has happened and I didn’t know where to start. So I figured after a break like that I might as well start back with a project like Capture Your Grief. I’ll have a new post everyday this month I’m accordance with the photo subject of the day. This is done during infant and pregnancy loss awareness month every year. October also happens to be the last full month I had with Reason before she died. I feel like that’s fitting.
Today’s subject is sunrise, I never wake up in time for sunrise, I like to sleep as long as I can and put off the new day, as if by sleeping I can pretend time isn’t moving on without my girl. It’s almost been a year since she died. The end of September 2013 is when we concieved her and we found out I was expecting her in October. So in a way I did have her for a little over a year instead of just shy of 5 months and that makes me feel some kind of way. Like I had bonus time because I knew I was pregnant so quickly.
In that sense October is a time of sunrise, although in my heart, fall will always be a time of death, from the leaves, to my step father who passed in the fall of 2003, and my daughter who’s year angelversity is barreling upon us.
Capture your Grief is meant to be about healing but I can’t say I’m there yet. I’m still not sure it’s possible to heal from this. My nephews birthday is coming up, he’ll be two; Reason was 9 months younger than him. I’ll be 24 on what should be her second birthday and I still won’t have any living children. That doesn’t feel like a sunrise to me. I planned to be done having kids by 25 and the chances of me having even one living child by then seems impossibly slim and slimmer everyday. Frank’s brother welcomed a son a little over 6 weeks ago; he’s beautiful and his mom is under 21, she has two boys. My older sister has 2 children as well both born by the time she was 25. My step-brother and his girlfriend are having a baby boy in 9 weeks, they’re both under 21 and I’m happy for all of them.
My favorite cousin had a beautiful perfect little girl and I’m ecstatic for her but I’m still heartbroken for me. My cousin is an amazing mom even if she doesn’t feel like it and has her struggles. She’s the new mom I’m the most proud of because so many people in the family didn’t take her for the family type: she’s crushing it even on the days she doesn’t think so. I could honestly write an entire post about just her but I won’t and I hope I don’t make anyone mad by using them as examples. I guess I’m just jealous and feel like I’m never gonna get to be truly happy again and there is no one close to me that can truly understand these feelings because so few people have to live a life like this. I know there are other moms like me out there and I’m not the first but it still hurts and everyday my heart still breaks.
Every month feels like losing her all over again. I know a new child would not replace her and my heart would still long for her but to be without motherhood for this long and longer and longer is torturous. We live in a camper on a campground not a place for a baby and it could be years more before we have a place for a baby and my minimum wage job that gave me just enough hours to start saving money so we could have a future took 16 of those hours away per paycheck. So, I’m forced to suffer with this emptiness without an end in sight… at least there was a pretty sunrise.
7:24 am Florida, USA