Yesterday, I danced to a catchy song song I’m always hearing on the radio. It was a beautiful, silly, carefree moment.
Then, I was struck by a “grief attack”, seemingly out of no where I was crying so hard I couldn’t stand. I danced everyday with Reason. It was a part of our daily ritual, our mommy daughter time. It was such a little thing, turns out the little things really are the big things after all.
My brother in law had a beautiful baby boy two days ago. They now have an incredible family of four and I couldn’t be happier for them. Their older son looked so proud of being a big brother in all of the pictures. A grief attack washed over me in the midst of my joy and I couldn’t stop the tears because I’ll never see Reason as a proud big sister. I’ll never have another first born.
Some people seem to have this misconception that losing a baby when you’re young isn’t that bad, because you can have more. That you can be “fixed” by having another child. It doesn’t actually work that way. A second child is a beautiful, wonderful things but it doesn’t replace the person you lost. I will never have another Reason Rayne. She was here and she is irreplaceable. The next child I have will not be the same exact combination of genes that she was and I will not be the same mother I was before she died. She changed me more than anyone else could. I will have grief attacks for the rest of my life. They may be farther apart as time goes on and the triggers will change but they will always be a part of my life and I’m okay with that. I know I’m broken beyond repair. I know I’m fundamentally changed but that’s okay. I’m learning to live this broken life. I’m taking it one day at a time. I have good days and I have bad, but the important thing is I still have days.