A Reason to remember?

       I only had my daughter for 143 days and I hate that I can’t remember every one of those days. If I could forget every moment of my life save for those days I would in a heart beat. I couldn’t tell you what I was doing on July 27, 2014, but I wish I could because that was one of the days I was lucky enough to be her mom. Memories are tricky and I’m grateful to have Facebook and the ability to see what I posted a year ago.
        Some days, when I see what I posted a year prior, memories come flooding back and I remember the most seemingly insignificant events but to me they’re worth more than all the money in the world. I hate that I’ll never get to make another memory with Reason and every day I’ve had since I lost her feels meaningless. Life seems meaningless.
     We started seeing a therapist and he wants me to write about the night she died. I don’t want to, that night consumes me, why give it more power by writing it down on paper? I’ve blogged about it, I’ve talked about it, I don’t want to write about it. Of all the memories I have with Reason that’s the only one I wish I could forget. I’ll keep my memories of her crying and me taking walks with her to calm her down, I’ll keep the memories of her puking all over my chest, I’ll cherish poop explosions and having to wash her bouncy seat, I want to remember every little thing about Reason but I want to forget that night.
          I don’t want to see her lifeless, I don’t want to remember trying to breath life back into her, I want to forget screaming in the front seat of a cop car on the way to the hospital. I want to erase falling to the floor when the doctor told me they couldn’t save her, I wish I could pretend I didn’t feel her grow stiff and cold, see her skin get splotchy and hard. I want to stop blaming myself for something I had no control over, but I can’t and I don’t see how replaying it again and again could possibly help me do that.

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One thought on “A Reason to remember?

  1. Savannah I remember the day you took your pregnancy test and idk if you remember or not but you skipped the night at Wal-Mart and a few girls came over and we had such a good night. While I can’t imagine how horrible that memory is for you, I applaud the strength you display. I’m very proud to know you, your growth as a woman, wife, mother, and friend is astounding. Work up to it. Sometimes for me, writing down a painful memory, reading it or sharing it with others, then trashing it or even burning it has become cathartic. It makes it easier to move forward for me sometimes. Just know even I am still rooting for you here in Kansas. Love you.

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