Choosing to Survive

     Every morning I wake up and have to make the decision to live, everyday is a fight to stay here, to not give up, to not take the easy way out. I have to tell myself that it’s not my time and this life is worth living even though I have to do it without her.Everyday I wish I could see Reason again but I know I can’t be that weak, I have to be strong for my husband, for my mother, for myself, for any future I might have. It’s hard but I keep doing it. I keep waking up day after day, some nights I barely sleep, I think about her constantly. I miss her constantly. I wonder who she would be, I try to remember all of the joy she brought me, remember how happy I was everyday she was in my life.

     I’ve been keeping my thoughts bottled up lately, I’ve been fighting the tears that well up, I’ve been swallowing them down and trying to pretend that I have more good days than bad. The truth is I’m just getting better and hiding my bad days. I guess that’s a part of this. Learning to hide your feelings so other people don’t have to see how broken you are. I’m trying so hard to get better but I’ll never be better. I miss her so much, I love her so much, I just want the life I lost back. I want her and the person I was before she left back, I want to be truly happy. I want to stop drinking so much, I want to want to get out of bed every morning instead of doing it because I have to. I want to care that my house is a mess instead of really not giving a damn. I want to get better, I want my baby back. I want so many things that are so far out of reach.
     

When do things get better? A year from now? Ten years from now? When we have a new baby to love and to pour our hearts into? Not even then? Maybe things will just get worse, lately things have been getting worse. I just wish things would stop getting worse but I don’t know how to make them better. We’re trying so hard everyday but it’s never enough we’re doing are best but things are still so hard. I have no idea how to live this life, I guess I’ll just keep taking everything one day at a time. I’ll keep waking up and telling myself that today is not my day, tell myself that if I could make it through the first 8 months than I can make it through all of the months to come. I miss you, Reason, I love you, please give us the strength to keep moving forward, give your mommy and daddy the strength to keep loving each other and to remember what has gotten us this far. You are my sunshine.

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2 thoughts on “Choosing to Survive

  1. I don’t know if this helps or not, but my step-mom lost a child. She has 4 kids now and has a full and happy life. I don’t know if it gets better ever, but I can see that it gets different. I know nothing can replace her, but you can fill your life with happy things and still miss her.

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  2. Damn, the bad days are always the worst. Maybe you’ve been doing a little better, and BAM, all the feelings come back, come back intensified, knocking you off your game again. Over and over you ask yourself the same questions. How am I supposed to go on, I feel so broken. How the fuck am I supposed to get better when I don’t even know what that means anymore. Knowing how many people are pulling for you, how many are in your corner just wishing they had the magic words that would make your pain go away, doesn’t help. You’re stuck being you. Even if it was just yesterday you can’t remember the last time you smiled, the last time you laughed at a joke. The weight of the world is on you, and you can’t get out from under it, that’s how it feels. You’d do anything to make these feelings go away, you’re sure it’ll never change, never get better.

    What can I say that might help? Feelings are just like the weather, no matter how destructive this twister is, it will blow over. No matter how hard the rain, how dark the skies, the sun will come up tomorrow. Be a rider on the storm, do what you have to do to keep on moving, to keep on going, to keep on keeping on.

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