Every morning I wake up and have to make the decision to live, everyday is a fight to stay here, to not give up, to not take the easy way out. I have to tell myself that it’s not my time and this life is worth living even though I have to do it without her.Everyday I wish I could see Reason again but I know I can’t be that weak, I have to be strong for my husband, for my mother, for myself, for any future I might have. It’s hard but I keep doing it. I keep waking up day after day, some nights I barely sleep, I think about her constantly. I miss her constantly. I wonder who she would be, I try to remember all of the joy she brought me, remember how happy I was everyday she was in my life.
I’ve been keeping my thoughts bottled up lately, I’ve been fighting the tears that well up, I’ve been swallowing them down and trying to pretend that I have more good days than bad. The truth is I’m just getting better and hiding my bad days. I guess that’s a part of this. Learning to hide your feelings so other people don’t have to see how broken you are. I’m trying so hard to get better but I’ll never be better. I miss her so much, I love her so much, I just want the life I lost back. I want her and the person I was before she left back, I want to be truly happy. I want to stop drinking so much, I want to want to get out of bed every morning instead of doing it because I have to. I want to care that my house is a mess instead of really not giving a damn. I want to get better, I want my baby back. I want so many things that are so far out of reach.
When do things get better? A year from now? Ten years from now? When we have a new baby to love and to pour our hearts into? Not even then? Maybe things will just get worse, lately things have been getting worse. I just wish things would stop getting worse but I don’t know how to make them better. We’re trying so hard everyday but it’s never enough we’re doing are best but things are still so hard. I have no idea how to live this life, I guess I’ll just keep taking everything one day at a time. I’ll keep waking up and telling myself that today is not my day, tell myself that if I could make it through the first 8 months than I can make it through all of the months to come. I miss you, Reason, I love you, please give us the strength to keep moving forward, give your mommy and daddy the strength to keep loving each other and to remember what has gotten us this far. You are my sunshine.