It’s June…

     June is a hard month. I knew it would be but I didn’t expect it to be here so soon… Every day is closer to her birthday, the birthday she’ll never get to celebrate. I should be planning a party but instead I’m trying to figure out what to do in her memory… On father’s day… Frank’s first father’s day is on her birthday… I was so excited about that before…
      Every night this month I’ve dreamed of babies. One of my co workers is pregnant  along with every female of child bearing age it feels like plus everyone’s babies are growing up and blowing up my Facebook feed. I don’t comment on pictures of them or acknowledge their birthdays because it’s too hard for me. All of my friends babies are getting so big and my girl is getting left behind.
      I hate this life. I hate going to one of my jobs and seeing all of these beautiful babies and their families and expectant moms… It’s so hard, most days my eyes well up with tears and I have to force them back, force them down, smile tell everyone to have a wonderful day, pretend I’m not dying inside. Lie when they ask how I’m doing because they don’t really want to hear the thoughts in my head, they don’t want to know that their cashier spends her shift replaying the night her daughter died. They don’t want to know that all she thinks about is screaming her daughter’s name and watching her head fall back, dead, ripping her clothes off and trying to bring her back. All they want is their discount food and cigarettes and to get home to their families. I don’t blame them, my life isn’t their problem and I don’t expect it to be. I just wish this life wasn’t so hard, and this month was over already and my daughter wasn’t dead but we can’t always get what we want.
      I know this was disorganized and all over the place but that’s just where I’m at right now… Working hard to get ahead but still struggling everyday to cope with losing Reason. I wish there was a way to make this easier, to change this life but there isn’t so I do my best to keep my chin up and forge ahead push through the pain, just make it to tomorrow.


3 thoughts on “It’s June…

  1. It must be so hard. Even with reading all you’ve written about Reason I still can’t imagine how hard it must be. But you’re doing the right thing, acting like you are. You are being true to yourself and to her.


  2. I so wish there was some way I could make this easier on you. I read your words and take them to heart and grieve for you and always remember Reason. It’s sadly all I can do.

    But I will continue to remember your Reason, on my last birth board a mother lost her 16 month old and almost 7 years later I still remember him. His name, his face, everything she had shared with us. That little boy should always be remembered, because he matters, and Reason will always be remembered, because she matters too.

    I wish I could do more, give more, help more, but I’m a stranger who can only support you by listening, praying, and remembering. So I will do what I can.

    Sending you so many hugs as you get through this month.

    Liked by 1 person

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