I’ll never be “all better” and if you think I should be I think you’re dumb.

      I get so sick of being told or hearing about how I should be handling losing my daughter, sick of being told to move on or people expecting that I’d be doing better by now or thinking I shouldn’t still be hurting so badly or that I shouldn’t talk about “it” so much. It? You mean my daughter? My child? The love off my fucking life that was ripped away from me while I slept? The girl I carried inside of me for 9 months? The girl that I still love with every fiber of my being?
       Fuck you. Fuck every single person who gets tired of hearing about “it”. I’m sorry my grief offends you. I’m sorry you think I should have stopped posting about missing and loving my precious child by now. I’m sorry you can’t stand to hear me speak her name and you’d rather just forget she ever existed. I’m sorry you’re so fucking stupid.
     You talk about your kids don’t you or the people you love, probably everyday at least once a day. You share your love for them all over social media, you bring them up in casual conversation like it’s no big deal. You post their pictures and no one bats an eye. Do you think I stopped loving my daughter the day her heart stopped beating? Do you think I was suddenly over saying her name? Did you think suddenly I wouldn’t want to share her with the world anymore?
      If my grief makes you uncomfortable you’re reading the wrong blog and you’d probably be better off deleting me from Facebook because guess what grief is uncomfortable, it keeps you up late at night and makes your heart hurt in a way I hope you never feel. It makes you wish you were dead a million times but you are forced to continue to breath. Sometimes it makes you angry and hateful, it fills you with fear and it can be all consuming.  On top of feeling like you’re dying and struggling with a million unexpected and unexplainable emotions and losing control and fucking up in ways you would have never before you have to deal with fucking idiots and their ignorant opinions on how you’re doing it wrong, or how your should be better by now. Or people getting pissed off at you and deciding you aren’t worth their time anymore because you’re suddenly less lovable when you’re at your worse and you just don’t have the energy to figure out what you did to piss them off so you figure out pretty quickly who your real friends are. On top of all of that you have to be told how you should sweep your loss under the rug or lock it in a box and only open that box when you’re alone so you don’t upset anyone else.
     You have to listen to people tell you not to dwell on it and it was in the past and it doesn’t matter anymore. Well guess what, it does matter, alive or dead my daughter will always matter, and when your tell me she doesn’t matter it fills me with rage. She matters every life matters, every life lost matters, we have holidays to honor a hell of a lot of people who died a hell of a long time ago. Apparently, they matter so much people take off work and have parades but my daughter’s death was in the past and that means it doesn’t matter. How about you go tell that to the cemeteries full of families visiting their loved ones that on Memorial day or Day of the Dead.
    No one else wants to hear about it, no one else cares about it. No one else wants to remember that I have a daughter and her name was Reason and even in death she’s more important to me than most of you.More important than anyone who wants to talk shit.  So, if I want to talk about her I will and if you don’t think I’m handling shit the right way go fuck yourself. Don’t tell me or talk about me and how I’m not grieving the right way. You don’t know a fucking thing about this. You’re not on my journey and whatever bullshit you’ve been through has nothing on this. You don’t know about how much the death of a person you created with someone else changes both of you and your relationship and how hard it is to love and support someone dealing with the same loss in a different way. You don’t know about rebuilding and anger and desolation and fear. You have never been here. You have never had to take turns being strong and breaking down. Her birthday is less than a month away. You have no fucking clue how much harder it gets as we get closer to her first birthday a birthday she won’t be here for and so many won’t care about because she’s dead and it makes them sad and they don’t like to think about things that make them sad, it’s easier to pretend they don’t exist. Well boo fucking hoo I’m sorry you don’t love her enough to want to keep her memory alive. I do though and I’ll spend the rest of my life keeping her memory alive.
      This will never be easy and it will never go away. So why don’t you just put your head back in the sand and keep living in your fantasy world where death doesn’t leave a void and people just get better after the biggest part of their heart is cut away from them. Don’t ask me if I’m okay or expect this to heal. You wouldn’t ask an amputee if their arm is better yet. News flash: It’s never gonna be and you sound like an ignorant piece of shit when you ask a loss parent if they’re better yet.

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4 thoughts on “I’ll never be “all better” and if you think I should be I think you’re dumb.

  1. as I’ve told you before. you are dealing with this exactly as you should. it’s a damn shame people are as ignorant as they are, but don’t let it touch you or your memories. keep being you.

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  2. you grief the way you want and how you want and stand your ground, never let empty minded fools tell you what to do hon! no one will ever know the pain you go through every day and they are not worth your time to try and defend any of what your feeling!

    Like

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