Back to Work

Tomorrow I go back to work… Reason would have been 11 months old and I don’t feel ready for it at all. I know I don’t have a choice in the matter and I’ll try my hardest to make the best of it but I make no promises. I feel like it’s an ending to my life as a mom. If she were still here with me I wouldn’t be back to work yet. I’d be home with her raising her and teaching her like I had planned . I’d be planning her first birthday and having play dates with my friends babies. We’d be watching our little ones grow up together and I wouldn’t be here mourning mine and dreading what the sun will bring.
      It’s a minimum wage job, retail, nothing I haven’t done before, nothing that will be challenging but it won’t be easy, to see families shopping and living the life I would give anything to have back. Oh how I wish I could have it back… One day at a time I guess, and this is my next step in moving forward without Reason, without my sunshine, my happily ever after. My story won’t ever have a happily ever after, it will always be marred and marked with my daughter’s death. The death of the best part of me, the death of my best self. I loved me most when I had her to love, I had her to transform me and make me a better woman a woman I respected.
     Who am I without her? A fuck up, a girl who drinks on more nights than she doesn’t, a girl who doesn’t really care if she dies tomorrow. This life has been ruined for me, I’ve lost the pride I once had in myself when I lost my greatest accomplishment. I wish I could be excited about bringing in my own money again but what does money matter when all of your dreams are shattered? When the one your would have given your life for its reduced to mere ashes? Sometimes I feel like I’ve been reduced to ashes. I try to pretend I’m getting better and that things will look up but things aren’t looking up but I can’t hide from the nightmares that tell me otherwise. When I close my eyes the truth is undeniable I’m broken beyond repair and some job isn’t gonna fix that all the money in the world or keeping myself busy can’t fix that. There is Nothing I will ever do or can ever do that will bring me as much satisfaction as she did. I’ll do what I can though, I’ll hope it will make someone else happy because it won’t be me. Happiness has become a pipe dream, it’s the coins I throw in the well that forgot how to grant wishes, it’s the life I lost that cold November day when what was left of my innocence died.


4 thoughts on “Back to Work

  1. No my sweets, you are not a fuck up, you are a mom mourning her baby the best way she knows how. And you are not nothing either, you ARE and will ALWAYS be your baby girls Mom. Please don’t ever forget that. Always thinking of you, many oceans away xxx


  2. When we have a baby, a part of our heart leaves our body and goes with them. So yes, sadly a part of you was reduced to ashes because of how much you loved Reason. But, the rest of you is still alive, even if it doesn’t feel that way. I just know your beautiful daughter is looking down on you and understanding your grief and pain, but also wanting more for you.

    You can’t hurry grief, and I’m glad you’re not trying, you’ll actually heal more quickly and fully that way. I’ve heard it compared to a mountain – you can’t go under it, and if you go around or over it, it’ll take more time than just going through the tunnel in the middle of it. It’s dark and scary, but you will come out the other side eventually. You’ll never be the same as before, you have those memories and you’ve gone through the journey, but you will see the sunlight again.

    I hope you know that some of us will never forget Reason and even though she isn’t here and she only had a very short time on earth, she’s touched a lot of lives.


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