Losing you was nothing I could have ever been prepared for and here I am nearly 6 months without you and still not ready to move on. I’ll never be ready to move on. This life will never be okay with out your smile or the laugh I never got to hear. Do you know how much you mean to me? Do you know how much I hate that I have to live a lifetime without you? I still don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. Sometimes one foot just won’t go in front of the other.
Tomorrow is mothers day and 6 months since the last time I saw you breathing. The last time you suckled from my breast the last time everything was right in the world. How has it been so long and how much longer does it have to be? I still hate myself for not keeping my promise as your mother, my promise to protect you, how could I let you down? I know you don’t want me to blame myself and I know I did everything in my power to give you the best life possible and everything in my power to keep you safe it’s just hard to accept that my best wasn’t enough. Why couldn’t it be enough?
Sometimes, I try to pretend this life is a bad dream and you’ll wake me up from it. You’ll smack my face with your little arms and gibber jabber your morning call. I’ll open my eyes and you’ll be smiling at me, greeting me with your oooh’s and ahhhs. I’ll sing to you our good morning song and wrap you tightly in my arms, kissing every inch of your tiny body. I’ll tell you I love you a million and one times. We’ll change your butt and I’ll spank your booty to get that smile I adore. Then we’ll sit in our rocking chair while you have your breakfast. We’ll have our mommy baby bath time and we’ll blow bubbles in the tub. I’ll wash you in the lavender bath wash we loved. You’ll nurse some more after your bath, then we’ll play All About that Bass or your special music CD from parents as teachers and we’ll dance or do tummy time. Then it’s nap time for you and I’ll watch you sleep and I’ll check you constantly. Maybe Cassie and Cambri will come see us and Cambri will rock your bouncer and she might dance with us too. If the boys are with her Chase will want to hold you on the couch with your boppy pillow. I’d remember to take a picture of it, I wish I had more pictures of you with the people who love you. We’d do carrots or green beans for lunch and you’d make a mess of things like you always did and you’d need another bath, I’ll wash you down with a wash cloth or put you in your bumbo seat in the tub. But this isn’t a dream and you won’t be waking me up. I miss you so much and all I want is to see your smiling face and feel your sloppy kisses on my cheek. All I want is to cuddle with you and hold you close and never let you go. All I want is to spend my life being your mom and watching you grow, to watch you fall in love, to comfort you when you have your first heartbreak, to watch you become the woman you’ll never get to be. I know I can’t always get what I want. I love you, I miss you, and more than anything I hope one day I’ll see you again.
Your heart-sick mom.