143 (I love you)

    Today was a bad Reason day. I turn 23 in one week and my daughter never got to celebrate a birthday… A day I was always excited about has lost its luster, how can I have 23 birthdays when she had none. It’s not fair and I hate it. When I woke up this morning I didn’t know grief would be there, I mean is always there but I wasn’t expecting today to be a day I spent crying, a day that my sorrow was too much for me to handle.
Then I got a call. My mom gave me the idea of going back to school so I looked up a couple schools and requested information, within 10 minutes I got a call from Keiser University. I talked to the lady for a bit about the programs they had and she told me the online classes offer great flexibility for work and family. I told her I used to have a family, until my daughter died. (Like I said, it was a bad Reason day.) She asked me about my daughter and I told her she was 143 days old when she died. She said, “You know that means, I love you, right?” In text speak 143 is I love you. How beautiful is that? I love you, 143, the number of days she was here with me. I love you, I love you, I love you. My life is full of these synchronicities. 1111, 143, numbers that mean nothing to some and everything to me.
     How did I not notice before that conversation with a college advisor at a school I probably won’t end up going to. You have to have support to succeed in going back to school and right now isn’t the right time. Right now I need to get a job and push my grief away so I can be a productive member of society. I wish grief could be pushed away. There was a part of me that thought moving to Florida would mean less bad Reason days. Child loss doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t matter how far away I am from where she died, she’s still dead and it still hurts and I don’t know when I’ll be struck by this loss and not want to take another step in this life without her.
      I’m not trying to make excuses or use her death as a crutch and I’m sorry some people see it that way. I wish I could just get a job and pretend I didn’t lose the biggest part of myself and I wish my grief would leave me alone 5 days a week, 8 hours a day but it doesn’t have a schedule. That’s why I’m trying so hard to make Passion Parties work for me. So I don’t have to spend 5 days a week at a job that doesn’t get child loss at a job that will expect me to be on top of my game when I’m barely alive inside. I can pretend to be happy and be on top long enough to do a couple parties a week and I don’t have to do parties on the 11th or 21st, when a bad day comes out of no where like today, I can manage to throw a smile on my face for a few hours then break down and cry all the way home with out ruining anyone else’s day. I couldn’t do that as a waitress or a cashier or any of the other jobs I’m qualified for, I can’t pretend all day everyday that I’m alright. I’ll never be alright, I’ll learn how to cope better as time goes on and maybe soon I’ll be ready to handle a 9-5 but the more I try to rush through grief the worse it’ll be when it hits, unprocessed grief is 10x as bad. For now I’ll remember 143, I love you, I’ll breathe deep and keeping doing the best I can. I’ll try harder to make Passion Parties work for me and prove that I can make money without putting myself through the hell of denying my loss for a paycheck.

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One thought on “143 (I love you)

  1. Very powerful message. I can completely relate. It has been almost 2 years since I lost my son and I am still trying to find work. A few times my loss came up in an interview and I feel like it cost me the job. Even with reassuring them that I would do my best to control my grief and not bring it to work, they just saw me and decided I Was too WEAK or something…… Immediately received a letter of rejection the very next day. But I am hoping that this time I can get the job…
    I am worried about how it will affect my grief. But being as far as I am into it, I feel like I have learned ways to cope. I am hoping that these coping methods will help me with my work.
    What you say about your non traditional work (a non-9to5 job) is how I feel about my Zodiac Angels project. It’s something that brings me joy and something I can do on my own time and work around my grief, not to mention it’s theraputic because the Zodiac Angels were something I came up with originally for my dear Son Miles so it makes me feel closer to him when I am working on it.
    I’m trying to get a job at a fabric store so I hope that it goes well. The Zodiac Angels began as scraps of fabric. I would love nothing more than to work with fabric in a fabric store, even if it’s just lifting and loading the bolts onto the shelves in the store.

    Like

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