Five months without you, a week longer than I held you.

     Five months ago you left us and today the weather is just as dark and heavy as my heart feels. You’ve been gone a week longer than you were here. Somehow I’ve survived it but I’m not better. Today I wish I could lay in the fetal position all day and cry. I don’t think that’s an option right now… I’m expected to be moving on, but I still don’t know how. I’ve done all the moving on I can in the last few weeks.
      I have no desire to run around and keep busy today. I have no desire to smile and pretend my heart isn’t still shattered. It’s in as many pieces as your body, ashes that can’t be put back together in a form that resembles what they once were. I wish today could be a day that Frank was able to just hold me but he’s too busy for that. I’m supposed to be too busy for that, but my grief doesn’t leave me alone when it should, When I want it to. Today I’m wrapped up in it, it feels like a lead coat, heavy and uncomfortable, weighting me down, I suffocate under the pressure.
     Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe the sun will shine and I won’t feel so heavy, my loss might not consume me. Oh how I wish it would consume me. </3
      You were my sunshine, my Reason to wake up with a smile on my face. You loved me like no-one else and I loved you with unrivalled ferocity. Nothing can keep me from still loving you. My heart will never stop beating for you. Your smile saved me from myself and your love made this life worth living. I'm trying so hard baby girl and I know you don't want me feeling like this, consumed with the pain of losing you but my love for you was so great that the pain left in its wake is boundless. You send me a butterfly the other day please send me something that lets me know I'll be okay. ❤

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