The Edge

     It’s amazing how quickly life changes. I should be used to the unexpected happening by now but I’m not. I’m still hurting in ways I can’t accurately express. I’m being hurt by people I didn’t think would cause me so much pain. Don’t they know I’m already hurting more than I can handle? Are they trying to push me over the edge? Don’t they know I’m already standing on it?
     I’m not just standing on it anymore. I’m on a tight rope and these people I thought loved me are shaking it over and over, I don’t know how I haven’t fallen off of it yet. I don’t have a safety net to catch me when I finally lose my balance and I’m so afraid and they don’t care. I know I need to think about the people who do care and I know they will try to catch me when I do fall but what if they miss? What if they can’t? Will I survive a fall from such heights?
  
  The ones who have such disdain for me don’t have the same animosity toward Frank, they still love him but they hate me. What have I done to deserve this? I just want to find a sliver of happiness. I should be happy that I’m getting married and starting a new life but I just want my old one back. I want things to be like they were before I knew what it was like to have your heart ripped from your chest and stomped on by those who claimed to care for you. Before my daughter died and lost my Reason to live.
     I know I still have people that care for me and they love me more and better than the ones who have abandoned me and attacked me at my weakest but somehow I still wish they were a part of my life and I didn’t know the extent of the pain they could inflict. All I want is to stop hurting but I know I’ll never stop hurting.
     I am well aware that I shouldn’t be thinking like this but some days these thoughts come in and don’t leave. I have to ride them out and hope beyond all hope that I can. I hope these waves of despair and desperation don’t crash over me, I have to fight against getting caught in the undertow that threatens to destroy all I have left.

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