Not Feeling Twenty-two

     I’ve aged so much since Reason’s death. I don’t feel like a twenty-two year old; that catchy Taylor Swift beat doesn’t resonate with me. I feel ancient, I have knowledge I shouldn’t. I have knowlege no one should have. No one should know what it feels like to lose a child, no one should hear that thier baby isn’t going to make it, that thier trip to the hospital was one way.
      I’m still not sure how I’m going to survive this, to think I may have 60 years left without Reason is unfathomable. I’m not afraid to die, when you see your child’s lifeless body, your fear of death vanishes with what was left of your innocence. The moment your baby breathes thier last breath you become someone you didn’t know you would ever be. You look at the person you were before and you don’t know who they are, it’s okay because they wouldn’t know you either.
     I wish I had more time to live in the ignorance of a world without child loss. I know even without my loss I’d still live in a world with it but when it’s not your baby it’s not your problem. Once you become a member of this club, however, every child loss becomes your problem, you know the pain and the heartbreak, you know those gutteral cries because when you’ve cried like that, you don’t forget how it sounds.
     I wish more people could “get” this but the sacrifice you have to make in order to “get” this isn’t worth it. The “strength” I gain or the “lessons” I learn from my daughters death aren’t worth the pain I suffer everyday, but there’s nothing I can do to change anything that’s happened. I have to learn how to live with this, how to cope with this, how to get through this but it’s a work in progress. One second at a time. ❤ I miss you Reason Rayne. Nothing will ever fill the hole you left in my heart.


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