I’m not sorry

     In a lot of ways three months is harder than the first few days. In the first few days I had people who were there for me and who promised they would be there as long as I needed them. They were liars. The people I had known all of my life abandoned me because they couldn’t understand what I was going through. They couldn’t get over the fact that I had changed and that I wasn’t better, they took my words and turned them against me. They didn’t know my screaming had nothing to do with them and they were too shelfish to put thier pettiness behind them. They went from people I loved to people I cannot stand, people I want nothing to do with, but somehow it hurts my heart that they’re gone.
     It’s a bitter pill to swallow, to know they really didn’t change at all, I was the one who changed, I finally was able to see that they never loved me, only what I had to offer and now I have nothing to offer.
     I do still have some who will be there when I call out to them but it’s so hard to call out, I just need people who know that it’s okay to just show up and who won’t be scared away by my wrecked house, my tear stained cheeks, my knotted dirty hair.
     People who know where I’m at and know that I may never come back from here. People who can see the depths of my grief as a direct reflection of the depth of the love I have for my daughter, my Reason. People who won’t be offended by the fact that I would rather have no one in my life more than my baby girl. I wish I was sorry for that and maybe I should be but right now I offer no apologies. I’m not sorry for who I’ve become, I’m sorry for what’s made me like this. I’m sorry people can’t comprehend what I’m going through or where I’m coming from. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry.

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4 thoughts on “I’m not sorry

  1. To be there for someone is not to understand, how could anyone but you know what you ar e going through. I love you. good days, bad days and everything in between, you are coping and anyone who can’t see or be tolerant on your worst of minutes days, weeks, months does not deserve you in those beautiful shining moments where you smile.

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  2. I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know how it feels to lose a child. I know how it feels to lose a child of my child. I know what it feels like to be hated for his loss. I know what it feels like to BE the Reason that he can hate someone so much, me, that he is able to cope with losing Weston. I know what it feels like to BE the person who is the one hated because he sees his remaining “triplets” for 96 hours a year. I am ok with that. I love him with every ounce of my being, just like you love Reason. I am sorry for not being there. I know the pain. I also know the pain of losing a “family” that I had adopted as part of me. I know the pain of being that woman with the messy house, jacked up hair and gunked up eyes. Forgive me for not being there for you. There is another reason I was not at her memorial, but will have to tell you when I see you. I am having my own struggles, not to take anything away from your loss, Savannah. I love you, and I AM sorry.

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