Somehow the days get harder

     It’s been a bad week or so. Things have not been going well for me and it’s been hard.  I’m missing you more and more everyday. My heart breaks into a million pieces every morning that I wake up without you. I don’t want to wake up without you another day. But I know I will because I have to. The only choice I have is to push on and push ahead.
     I ask myself everyday, how is this my life? How is this anyone’s life? What did I do to deserve this, what lesson could be so important for me to learn that I get everything ripped away time and time again? When will I get my happy ending? When will things finally go right?
     NOTHING IS RIGHT! I’m not okay, I don’t know if I ever will be, how could I ever be? Everyday brings me farther away from where you are. I wish I could be where you are. How can I be doing so well one day and so terrible the next? When will any of this make sense? When will I stop crying myself to sleep? When will waking up feel worth it again? I’m feeling worse, not better as time goes on. How is time allowed to go on? I need answers, I need to know that there is something bright in my future. I know I have a wedding to look forward to but all I think about is my daughter not being there about how she’ll never be at any of my future events, and I’ll never be able to celebrate any of hers. I don’t get to throw her a first birthday party. I’m obsessed with all of our nevers, we didn’t get to make enough memories. I know I can’t change any of this and I should be grateful for what we had but right now it’s so hard to be. All I can think about is what we lost.
     I want the tears to drown me, I feel so guilty when they stop. Smiles make me hate myself, because how can I be allowed to be happy, even for a moment. I don’t deserve to be happy… I would give up all of my smiles to have you back. I would give anything to stop replaying that night. It hurts my heart to think about your limp body and the way your head fell back when you had such strong neck muscles. I tried to save you. I dream about trying to save you. Why couldn’t I save you?

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One thought on “Somehow the days get harder

  1. Oh my heart breaks reading this! I have been struggling this week especially for all sorts of reasons. I feel you. I SEE you. You are not alone. You do not wait for your happy ending alone… I wish there was something I could write, something I could say that could put a salve on your pain. Oh how I wish… I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry your daughter is not here and that you are suffering. I’m so sorry that nothing seems right. It’s not fair. It’s just not. Scream that out if you have to!! But please, never ever give up hope that you can be happy again. Don’t be afraid to allow positive emotions – to allow the light to shine on you in your darkness. That light, those moments you are afraid of – joy – that is your daughter reaching out to you. Don’t push them away, welcome them, know that she is trying to connect with you. It is so hard to love our babies from afar, it is gut wrenching to be without them physically. But you know you loved her, and she you. Part of love is laughter, part of love is joy. Letting in more joy means a stronger connection and bond with her. Please remember, finding joy in your life is something she would want for you, as you would for her if your positions were reversed… Know you are loved!!!

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