She called me momma

     I had another dream about Reason, I’ve written about dreams before but the latest one really hit me hard and deserved a post. I woke up crying and brokenhearted that it wasn’t real. I dreamed that the doctors and police and everyone had lied to me. Someone told me she was actually in state custody and I went to this place with a room full of children who were all up for adoption. I yelled Reason’s name until a little girl ran up to me and yelled “Momma!” I scooped her up and she hugged me tight. I told her I loved her so much and she told me she loved me too. I’m crying again just thinking about it.
    Reason will never be old enough to run up to me and call me momma. I’ll never hear I love you, momma from her lips. I guess I should be happy I get to see her in my dreams…
     She was about 18 months old and had pig tails. I clutched her to my chest as I told the police and social workers how illegal and wrong what that had done was. The officer told me I had to do one of four things to get her back. I begged him to tell me what they were but all he did was touch the arm my implant is in.
     I know I need to be a mother again but all I want is to have her back. I don’t want another baby that isn’t her. I read recently that becoming a mother actually changes the structure of her brain. I’m now hardwired to be a mother and I have no child. I feel like I’m a computer running the wrong software. Nothing goes right anymore. I don’t know who or what I am anymore. I didn’t find myself until I held her in my arms. I know I have to give myself time to grieve before I even think about another pregnancy but I really am so lost without a child to care for. Any other parents who have lost thier children know what I should do about this? How long do I have to wait before I get to be a mom again? I know with moving and our wedding we have to wait to get established and jobs and blah blah blah but I just want to be called mommy so bad it hurts.

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3 thoughts on “She called me momma

  1. God didn’t put you on a schedule. There is no wrong time. God gives us options and the reasoning to make decisions. God didn’t invent birth control. Open your heart and mind to the thought that you do have a heart big enough to grieve and love at the same time. If the time is right, God will show you. You will get pregnant.

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  2. I struggle with the same feelings. I want so badly to have another baby in my arms but I know im not ready yet. It’s only been a little over 3 months since my Kam has been gone. I think you’ll know when the time is right! There’s no scheduled time, so don’t let anyone tell you there is or make you feel like you have to wait if you don’t want too. Listen to your gut! xx

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