Life is Bittersweet

     It’s been two months since that frigid morning that Frank found our lifeless baby girl. I think about her all the time. I have 69 days to plan my wedding without her and I’m so blessed to have an amazing friend who has been taking care of the expensive things by making my bridesmaids dresses and our cakes as well as giving me a dress to wear and just helping me above and beyond what I could have asked for. Without her I’d be having a court house wedding and now I get the ceremony I always dreamed of. Researching vows and the million other little things I need to get taken care of often brings me to tears as I try to incorporate Reason as much as possible in my ceremony.
     My wedding day will be about so much more than the joining of two families, it’s about the love we shared that brought our daughter into existence, the love that grows and holds us together through the hardest times. In a way our marriage is a part of her legacy, her life and death showed us how strong we are together.
      It’s hard to figure out just the right way to honor the child that isn’t there on what is supposes to be the happiest day of your life. I know I will cry on that day and I’m okay with that. My heart will at times he heavy with the pain of missing the most important person in my life but it will also be full of joy in the knowledge that I will be spending the rest of my life with the man who gave her to me. The man who will one day give me other children to love although they will never quite fill the emptiness left by the death of our first born. I’m allowed to be sad my daughter is gone on my wedding day and its okay if all my tears aren’t those of joy. In my heart she will always be my flower girl, her cousin will carry her ashes down the isle in her basket and the two of them will go before me.

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