I want the world to know

     Will I get used to this? The questions and the people who don’t know. How many times will the words “My daughter died” come out of my mouth? How many times will I tell people that we don’t really know what happened or why it happened to us? How long will it take for the world to know I lost the greatest love of my life?
     I was over an hour away from where I live for New Year’s and ran into someone I knew from Iola. They asked how I was doing and I told them about my daughter. How is it when I go somewhere to get away from my pain, I have to tell someone new about it? I have to share and expose the heartbreak that really never goes away.
     I guess I could have said I was great but I’m not a liar. I need people to know she was here and she was loved and now she’s gone. I’m still broken, still shattered into a million pieces that I can’t just gather up and put back together. I’m still not the person I was before this happened. I never will be.
     Today I was 20 minutes from town jean shopping with a good friend of mine. I ran into a guy I knew from work once upon a time ago. He saw me throughout my pregnancy and met my daughter in passing. We hadn’t seen each other in a while so naturally he asked how I was and “My daughter died” were the words that tumbled out of my mouth. He hugged me several times as I spoke to him about finding her lifeless and trying to desperately bring her back. He told me he knew how excited and happy I was to be a mom and he was so sorry for what had happened. 
     Everyone is so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that I have to be the mom with the dead baby that can’t help but bring it up all the time. I’m sorry Reason is gone and I never got to see her grow up. I’m sorry that I want the world to feel my pain but I would never wish my life on anyone. I’m sorry that I can’t make myself wake up before noon on anyday. I’m sorry I don’t have anything to live for anymore. I’m sorry I have a happy blog one day and a depressing one the next. Grief is a bitch like that.
     I know a lot of what I blog is the same thoughts and insights I’ve already had. I know a lot of it is steps forward and steps back but I write what I feel when I’m feeling it. This isn’t a linear voyage.
      I’m lost in an enchanted forest, and not the good kind. It’s dark here, the trees are so thick that the sun can’t get through them. There are no marked paths so I wander aimlessly. I often end up walking in circles, ending up exactly where I started. There are evil creatures here, they reach for me and try to pull me deeper into the darkness, somedays I let them.
     I know it will be harder for me to find my way out but it gives my torn up and bleeding feet a break for a little bit. Not trying to fight this and just letting the terrible feeling wash over me is so much easier. Somedays I do wallow in them. I stew in my loss and my feelings of helplessness. I let them become me.

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2 thoughts on “I want the world to know

  1. Your love for your precious little girl is so touching! My heart breaks more and more with each post. You’re an amazing Mommy. Reason is so lucky to have you. She is absolutely beautiful!! I’m very sorry you are going through this. It’s just not right. Thank you for sharing your story. I think of you and Reason so often. Lots of prayers and hugs to you.

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    1. Thank you. She really is the most beautiful child I could have asked for. I miss her so much and I just hope our story can help others going through this or that her life can have an impact on the world beyond the time she was given.

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