Reason, sweet girl, tell me why I’m still here. Tell me what I have to live for. Show me that this life has meaning. I was so lost before you came into my life and now I fear I’m lost again. You were my everything, you gave my life meaning. You showed me that this life was worth all of the pain of the past. Now it’s not. I feel sick and so worthless. I want to cry out I want the world to hear my anguish. I want you here, I need to be your mom. I need my life to have meaning again. I need something good to happen to us. I need a glimmer of hope through all of this. Just a twinkling light would be enough.
We sleep all day long. It’ll be noon before we get out of bed most days and sometimes it’s as late a two. I know we need to get back to work, every dollar we spend gets us closer to zero and unemployment is going straight to an overpayment from years ago. I don’t care about not having enough money to get by all I care about is not having you here, my darling. What does having a full belly matter when our hearts feel so empty? I just want my hope back. I just need something to look forward to again.
Your dad and I have been talking about leaving here and going to Florida with your grandparents. That takes money we have no clue how to come up with. They say not to make any big life changes after a big loss but I’m so scared of what will happen if we don’t get out. Of who we will become… You’re not buried so you wouldn’t be left behind. I’ll still remember you and share your life where ever we go and with whoever we meet. I need a sign, an answer, a push in the right direction, whatever that direction may be.
I don’t know if you can give me one baby girl, but if you can please do, please tell us what to do.
I love you to the moon and back and I’m sorry that wasn’t enough to keep you here. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you and most of all I’m sorry I’m so weak without you.