Where’s your baby?

     The question hit me like a 16 wheeler. She didn’t know… I stuttered over my words and took a deep breath before I told her she passed away on Nov. 11th. I told her about how hard Christmas was and looked longingly at the healthy beautiful baby girl staring at me with big blue eyes from her cart. She gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was and how she couldn’t even imagine… That’s when she picked her daughter up and held her close. I told her I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and we talked a bit more before we parted.
     I think I handled it pretty well, I didn’t cry, I kept my composure. It was very hard, she wasn’t a close friend by any means, just a woman I saw when she herself was large with child. She was just a customer at Walmart when I worked there and someone I excitely shared my own pregnancy with. I saw her baby girl brand new at the doctors office while I impatiently waited for mine to get here.
When Reason was born and I ran into her for the first time, she was excited to see her. When I told her Reason was gone, I could see the heartbreak in her eyes. Someone, I barely knew hurt for me and my family. She expressed concern for my relationship and wished us the strength to get through this. Such a small but powerful gesture.
     I’ve thought about her question since it was asked. Where is my baby at? I can’t make myself believe she’s in heaven with her grandparents who have passed before her. I know it’s an idea that brings comfort to her father and most of the family and people who were close to her but not me. I still feel her all around me, so what does that mean? Is she with me? Guiding me through this? Or is she really gone forever and I just like to imagine her close? I know what I want to believe but I don’t know what’s true. I can’t say with certainty where my daughter is or what happens when we go. A part of me hates when I’m told she’s with Jesus or in heaven, I know people are just trying to give me comfort me and share what they sincerely believe but it’s hard to find comfort in something I don’t see as the truth. It’s hard not knowing where your child is and having so many people tell you that they do.

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3 thoughts on “Where’s your baby?

  1. I believe in God, and with that i know she is not in heaven. We do not go to heaven until Jesus comes back for us and gathers all the souls living and the dead and brings them to heaven. I believe the souls are with us on earth.

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  2. I am so so sorry! I have never lost a child but those who have passed away around me got me to thinking those same questions about where they are. You migjt have already seen the message I sent you on Baby Center but Incase you havent I just wanted to let you know I sent you one! I think about you all the time and pray you have strength to endure!

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  3. To be honest, the loss of your child and so many other innocent children has brought to my mind the question of wether God is real or not. I consider myself to have been a woman of faith in the past, but now that I’m a mother, I have a hard time understanding how could the God I served take a mothers child away from her. It makes me angry… It makes me confused. If God does this, why? Doesn’t He know what the loss of a child feels like? Didn’t He loose his son too? Why would he give us this pain? I’m not sure why. I don’t know if your baby is in heaven with Him or not, but don’t doubt that her presence surrounds you. Her soul is with whom it belongs with. She’s with YOU. Whenever you need her, whenever you long for her, she’s there, comforting you. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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