It’s been a bad day. I’m angry and I want someone to blame, someone to hate, I want to make someone feel like shit for taking my baby from me. I want whoever or whatever was responsible for her death to be destroyed. I wish I could take from it what it took from me.
I can’t though, a virus doesn’t have anything to lose, they aren’t even alive so they can’t ever be killed. They have no feelings, no remorse. It doesn’t care that it ruined my life. I can curse it and curse everything else that has been pissing me off.
Why me?! Why my little girl?! What did we do to deserve this? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR PLAN, FUCK YOUR EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! THERE WAS NO REASON FOR THIS! There was no reason for you to take away everything I’ve ever wanted! The only thing I ever wanted. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT’S BEST. THAT’S THE BIGGEST CROCK OF SHIT I’VE EVER HEARD! WHAT WAS BEST WAS ME BEING HER MOTHER! WHAT WAS BEST WAS ME RAISING HER AND LOVING HER. FUCK YOU. FUCK ILLNESS AND VACCINES. FUCK DOCTORS THAT THINK THEY KNOW BETTER THAN MOTHERS. FUCK ALL OF THE LITTLE THINGS THAT CAME TOGETHER TO TAKE MY CHILD!! FUCK NOT HAVING HER CAUSE OF DEATH 6 WEEKS AFTER YOU TOOK HER AND CUT HER OPEN. FUCK THE FACT THAT SHE HAD TO BE CUT OPEN AT ALL. FUCK THE UNFEELING BLADE THE SLICED THROUGH MY DAUGHTERS PERFECT FLESH. The same flesh I covered in kisses everyday of her life. FUCK ALL OF THIS! FUCK EVERYTHING I’VE EVER BELIEVED IN.
I used to think that everyone was invincible until they fulfilled thier life purpose, you literally could not die until you had done what you were sent to do. I don’t know if I can believe that anymore. If that’s true tell me how the hell did my daughter fulfill hers in 143 days? I know she was destined for greatness. She was meant to be someone! She was special, God dammit! I hate this so fucking much. This sucks, all of this fucking sucks.
What am I supposed to believe in without her? I know I can feel her with me and I know she sends me signs so I know there isn’t nothing. I need to know what that something is. I need to know what’s going to happen next. I need to know that I’ll see her again. I need to know if she really will come back to me. I hate all of the things I don’t know. It’s overwhelming to be so clueless and powerless. I thought I had things all figured out and I don’t, I didn’t and I honestly don’t know if I ever will.