Grieving for Reason

     Grieving the loss of Reason has already been the most intense, unpredictable and honestly, confusing experience of my life. I’m still early in my journey so maybe as I move forward things will start to make sense but for now I never know how a day is going to go when I wake up in the morning. I can’t even tell you how I’ll be feeling ten minutes from now. Some days the pain crashes into me like a tidal wave, it hits me hard and  fast, coming out of no where. Other days the pain is constant and heavy, it weighs me down. Those days I stay in bed as long as possible. I feel distant from my loss on other occasions, like I’m living some else’s life, those days are like a fog. I go through the motions but I’m hardly there at all.
        I never know how anything will make me feel. Things that once brought me happiness bring me nothing , things I once fretted over don’t matter anymore. New worries consume my mind and happiness still feels so far away. I can spend hours going through her photos without tearing up once one day, and the next seeing a single picture has me in pieces. I have days that I spend crying and days that the tears won’t come. Sometimes, all I want is to be left alone, and sometimes I need friends and family to surround me.  Nothing makes sense in the land of grief. It’s a place of contridictions and abandonment of expectations. I’m not used to feeling so powerless. 
     Grief refuses to be controlled or contained, it’s chaotic and unpredictable in it’s presentation, no two journey’s are exactly the same and there isn’t a “”one size fits all solution.” I have to find the path that’s right for me and realize it isn’t going to be a straight shot to where or who I was before. There will be twists and turns and forks in the road, there will be steps backward and days that I fall and don’t know how I’m going to get up again. This journey won’t bring me “back to normal” I expect that it will bring me to a place of healing and understanding, it will bring me to where hope lives and grows. I will never be over Reason’s death but my hope is that I can get through it, that I can keep her memory alive and beautiful. I’m so ready for the day that thinking of her fills my heart with only joy at having known her and loved her, instead of the crippling pain of losing her.

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