Anyone who knows me knows I have always had very intense and strange dreams. My daughters death has definitely brought those out in numbers. Until last night, all of my dreams of Reason featured her corpse and not the lively little girl I knew and loved.
One night, I dreamed of her body kicking and moving though she was supposed to be gone. I called 911 because I knew it wasn’t normal for a dead body to be active. They came and told me she was still gone and it would be two days before they could take her. I remember thinking I could handle her being dead but I can’t handle having her body there and active without her spirit’s presence. The next day, I picked her up and could feel her lungs breathing but no heartbeat, I called 911 again and told them they needed to take her. Once again, they refused and told me to just wait until tomorrow when someone would be picking her up. I repeatedly told them this wasn’t okay and it wasn’t normal but they wouldn’t listen to me. When I woke up I didn’t know what to think about the dream. It felt so real but obviously my girl’s body wasn’t home with us.
The next time I dreamed of Reason I didn’t see her but I knew she was dead. Frank and I had moved to Iowa with my mom and she had enrolled us in high school. I walked through the halls thinking I was way too old to be here and already had my diploma. I went to the office to explain our peculiar situation and get things sorted out. I talked to the secretary and told her I was too old for this place. I cried as I revealed that I used to be a mom and my daughter was dead. What highschooler would be old enough for that?
When I reflect on the message of that dream I think it’s safe to say it exposed my feelings of being too young to be a member of “The Dead Kids Club” and too old to no longer be a mom. In my dream I was in a place I didn’t belong, a place from which I had graduated. That’s what’s happened to me, I graduated from being a girl to being a mom and now I’ve been sent backwards. I’ve been sent to a time when I wasn’t the mother of a living child. A time I never thought I’d go back to, a time I don’t belong in.
Last night I had my first good dream about my daughter. Frank and I went to his brothers house with Reason in tow. She was very much alive and happy. Alexis, his daughter, was sitting on the couch and looked at us perplexed at seeing our little girl with us. I told her with much excitement, that she had decided to come back to us! I then asked if she would like to hold her, naturally she did! It’s funny that she was the one who held her “first” since the last picture I have of Reason is with her cousin, Alexis.
My mom was also there and told me I needed to change her name because she had become a boy since we had seen her last. I chose Jeremy Russle since that was the name I would have been given had I been a son.
I like to think of that dream as a sign that her soul will come back to me as my next child. I know that sounds crazy, but I can hope right? I’ve always believed in reincarnation and Reason and I had such a deep connection I have a hard time believing we can truly stay seperated. She was more than just my child; she was and still is my soul mate. The one person I didn’t need words to communicate with, the person who I understood and who understood me in a way I can’t accurately express. The person that taught me more in 143 days than I had learned during the 22 years prior. Maybe, she left to see if I am truly strong enough to survive anything and when I prove to her I am, she’ll return. I know I sound crazy and I probably only had the dream because I so desperately want her to come back to me. It is nice, however, to imagine that my dream will come true. It gives me something almost tangible to cling to, the idea that I will get to be her mom and see her grow, even if It’s as a boy.