It’s been five weeks since the last time I saw your smile. The longest five weeks of my life. Everyday feels like a lifetime. Most days none of this feels real. I’m walking through a fog from the time I wake up until I go to sleep. I get from one day to the next but I’m not sure how. Everything blurs together and I’m not really sure what the days will bring or really what the days have already brought.
I miss you, duck. How can you truly be gone? You were already crawling, you had two teeth, you knew how to roll over and blow bubbles in the tub, yet your gone. Dead, ashes in a heart shaped lock box. All I have left are memories, strech marks and a scar across my stomach. How does such a smart and beautiful child simply cease to be? How does such a strong beating heart stop? I’ll always feel like I failed you. It was my job to make sure you grew into the intelligent young woman you were destined to be.
How do we move on from here? So many people have told “Things can only go up from here”. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can only see things getting worse. My life is spiraling deeper down everyday. I know you wouldn’t want me feeling like this, Love, but I do. One day maybe I’ll see the beauty in the world again but today is not that day. I miss you so much it hurts. I feel like my heart has been torn from my chest and replaced with lead.
I just want you back with me where you belong. There is no “better place” for a child than in the arms of thier mother. I wish I could hold you again, kiss you again, spend every second of my life showering you with love like I had planned. I need you. How do I do this without you? Nothing made my life worth living before you were a part of it. I know I have to be strong and I can’t give up but it’s so hard not to give up.
I love you more than you know,
Your heartsick Mom